EXTREMELY FREAKED OUT

I'm so freaking out. What if I failed the bar exam? I cannot bring myself to contemplate having to study for that horrible test again. What if I failed both New York and New Jersey? You know what would be the worst? If I failed and everyone else I started with at my firm passed. And I would be The Girl Who Failed. How humiliating.

ARGH. Why why why why WHY do they make you wait until November to find out the results? Because they want to keep you in what you believe is misery until right before the holidays, when you find out your results, which is when the misery REALLY hits, because you realize you have to spend Christmas and New Years and probably your birthday studying for the February exam. GRRRRRRRAOW!

My Faves

My new fave band.
He always beat me at Subbuteo!
\m/

My old fave band.
Too much apple pie!
\m/

I swear I'm not a scrawny white boy with moppish hair.

New Species

It's cool.

I Lied.

I don't have a lot to say. I think it's because I sit in an office all day with two other people who talk a lot, who in turn make me talk a lot, and I also have to run around talking to a lot of other people. At the end of the day I feel like clamming up.

Anyway, I've decided to write a list of my favorite things right now to cheer myself up. Not that I'm in particular need of cheering. I'm not depressed or anything. I'm just a little blue. I think it's because I smell fall in the air. Not that I hate fall. I actually love fall. It's better than spring. Spring is like a wet napkin. It's just all damp and shreds. But anyway. Yeah, fall. It just reminds me of things ending. And also the holidays. I don't really like holidays. My family doesn't celebrate them. I would maybe like holidays if my family celebrated them but they don't so I don't.

Speaking of holidays, did you know that to go to a Jewish service in New York at a private temple during the high holidays like Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah you need tickets? One of my coworkers was asking around to see if anyone had extra tickets for Yom Kippur. I asked him what he was talking about - was there was some concert or something special going on at the Garden or something for Yom Kippur? He said No, he just needed tickets to go to a service and he's not observant but he likes to go to temple on the high holidays. And apparently ticket prices can run into the hundreds of dollars. I asked him how poor people went to service during the high holidays and he said the rich templers sponsor poor ones or buy them tickets. No offense to anyone but I find that so strange. But maybe it's totally normal. I'm not really religious and I've never been to a church for a Christmas Mass or Easter Mass or anything so maybe all churches charge during the special holidays. I guess if they don't outright make you purchase tickets they might just heavily pressure/shame you into making big fat donations. Even worshipping God has a price tag these days.

Anyway, I lost track of myself. Okay, so here goes the list. I'm so very Sound of Music, aren't I? It's not in any particular order.

1. Dogs in costumes.
2. "Lonesome Tonight" by New Order.

Oops. Phone call.

* * *

So that was my friend Cathy. She's funny. She's very pretty but she had slightly crooked teeth and she just recently got braces. So she was telling me about her date on Saturday night, which I was eager to hear about because Friday night I had gone over to her place and picked out a cute outfit for her and tried to give her flirting advice. Not that she doesn't know how to dress or flirt but this is what girls do sometimes. Also, I was trying to get her to be more flirty because she can be very old school and standoffish and guys think she hates them when she just wants them to pursue her. I know because I knew a ton of guys who were totally into her in law school but were intimidated by her extremely independent I-don't-want-you-why-you-lookin'-at-me-fool vibe which is really a disguise for Hey-you-are-cute-but-I-will-never-let
-you-know-I-think-that-unless-you-beg-on-your-knees-for-me-because-
that-is-how-I-am. I do understand her because I'm sort of like that too - I like to be worked for. Of course, the guy has to toe a fine line - if he overdoes it he'll just be a creepy fuck. But if a guy never worked for me at all and was always content to let me walk away or never put forth more than minimal effort to keep me, I'll feel like he doesn't really really like me, he just likes me enough to keep me around as long as I'm no trouble. Like a dog that you love until she starts peeing on your carpet and then you bring her to the pound to be shot.

ANYWAY. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Cathy. So I told her she had to be a little less "buddy" and a little more flirty so she was telling me she blow-dried her hair and wore heels and perfume and a cute outfit and didn't punch him once. But she's not sure how it went. She was very earnest when she told me, "But Janet... It's hard to be flirty with braces. How can you be cute when you're lisping and spitting!" ... Yeah. It was probably funnier on the phone.

People can be so retarded.

Look.

I Have Lots to Say...

But I'm really sleepy right now. This whole full-time job thing has opened up a fascinating and funny new world but blogging about it will have to wait until tomorrow or maybe the weekend. So stay tuned. I didn't die. I'm here, just busy.

September Book Club

Recommended reading: All Over but the Shoutin' by Rick Bragg.

This book is a memoir. While you read it, you will feel bad for being a whiny little brat when so many other people (specifically, Bragg's mother and brother) have had much more difficult lives than you, that they have faced with much more dignity and stoicism than you are capable of mustering. This book will make you want to grow up and be a man (or a woman, in my case).

* * *

Here is a line from the book. It does not capture the essence or the story or the point of the book. It just bothers me.

"Passion is something you really don't miss, after it has cooled. It is like looking at an empty bottle on the side of the road and thinking, 'Boy, I wish I had a Coke.' The loves you miss are the ones that go away when they are still warm, even hot, to the touch."

I totally get the author's point here, but for some reason it completely bugged me that he used a Coke as an example. You want a Coke when its cold. It should have been, "Boy, I wish I had a hot chocolate" or "Boy, I wish I had some soup." Because then the next sentence, about not wanting something after it has cooled, would make more sense. Don't you think?

Formalwear Fridays

Today was my first day of work. It was pretty cool. There are nine new associates. We did absolutely no work all day. We spent about twenty minutes learning about the firm's history; next we were shown to our offices (I'm sharing an office with the two who I feel the most simpatico with so it worked out quite grandly); then we went to a fancy Chinese restaurant and were fed sea bass and duck and shrimp rolls and bok choy and scallops (among other things that I didn't get to eat because they were out of my reach and I felt all awkward about asking people to pass the plates); after that we were invited to the firm's monthly first-Thursday-of-the-month-in-house-happy-hour where we ate cookies and chips with guacamole and warm cheese and drank beer (I had a Budweiser - selection was limited to Budweiser, Coors, and Heineken. That should tell you something about my firm.).

I do have my very own secretary. I felt really embarassed introducing myself to her. "Hi, I'm Janey. Are you Rachel? Yeah, um.... well... so... Ithinkyouaremysecretary." I felt so weird about it that I even said something ridiculous like, "So I probably won't be bothering you for awhile" before trailing off into silence. But then I fixed the awkwardness by complimenting her on her eyeshadow (it was far out) and asking her how long she had worked there and otherwise making small talk.

The only bad thing, so far, is that I have to wear a suit every day. Even Fridays! So after work I went to the mall and returned all the "business casual" little skirts and blouses and sweater sets and pants I spent the last week buying. I only have two suits right now and they are exactly the same suit (well, slightly different - one is black and one is pin-striped). So I guess sometime soon I will have to go buy more before I start getting made fun of for wearing the same exact thing every day.

Wee News Bites

Item 1: Tomorrow is my first day of work as an attorney. I was told to bring my driver's license, my social security card, my passport, and my birth certificate. I don't have my birth certificate; it was lost ages ago. So I might get fired.

Item 2: I seem to have caught a cold from all the running around I've been doing the past month. I hope I feel better before tomorrow.

Item 3: Just as I was leaving for Philadelphia, Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Wind Bringer Ernesto blew down a tree on the block. The ENTIRE tree. It was a big one, too. It ripped up the entire sidewalk when it fell. But I soldiered on, anyway.

Item 4: I forgot to take pictures while I was in Philadelphia. Sorry. Better luck next time.

Item 5: Kerchoo!!! Bed time.

Further bulletins as events warrant. As you can see, events have not been very warranting lately.

Morning Playlist

Here's a picture for you. It's not sexy, but it'll do.

Everything is Screwy

I just wrote all this crap. But then I deleted it because I was boring myself with my crap, which was whiny mid-twenties crisis crap. But I can't bring myself to not even mention the crap, so I'll just reduce the crap to its essence, which is: My game plan for life seems to be falling apart because one morning this week I woke up and everything seemed a little bit off like I was living the wrong life. (I'm being so emo. I hate myself. Okay, don't get nervous. I'm being emo, remember? To tell the truth, I feel pretty good most of the time. So do all those emo kids, trust me. They wear makeup. Wearing makeup feels pretty good. I'm a woman, I know.)

* * *

So someone mentioned to me that my blog had to be more interesting and scandalous and also have pictures. Therefore, I'm planning on taking lots of pictures when I head down to Philly this weekend with Andrea and Amanda. I'll post the good ones. Keep a lookout. Just know that neither Andrea, Amanda, nor I are very scandalous, so I don't know how interesting these pictures will be. But I'll try to manage something. Maybe I can take some scandalous photos with Tracy, my friend from law school who just moved to Philly for a federal clerkship and who I will definitely have to see while I'm down there. Oops - what am I talking about?! A federal clerk can't take scandalous photos! Oh well. That's life for you. Always sucking, always being horrible. (Haha! I'm being emo again.)