I have the same ghosts!

I TOLD you goblins are real. Borrowers, too. There's no other way to explain the disappearance of all my household sundries.

Diaper Defender

I cannot believe I just spent 22 minutes writing a review of diapers. Yes, this is what my life has come to. For those of you who care, which is exactly zero, which is also equal to the number of persons who read this blog, which allows me to write whatever I want with complete impunity, Pampers "upgraded" their Cruisers diapers with "Dry-Max Technology." This has caused literally hundreds of hysterical parents to write negative reviews essentially claiming that Pampers has sold its soul to the devil and replaced a previously perfect product with a problematic diaper that causes rashes and leaks and gives their children STDs. Okay, that last part was a lie. Anyway, when I went to order another jumbo box of these diapers from my favorite online retailer who guarantees FREE next-day delivery (very important when you are down to ten or so diapers and you KNOW you're going to be too lazy to make it over to Target), I felt compelled to defend my choice of diaper. So for the first time in my life, I actually wrote a product review. FOR A DIAPER. GODDAMMIT.  

Sleeplessness

I got married.
I moved.
I moved again.
I had a baby.

***

People told me having a baby cures insomnia. The theory is that caring for a baby exhausts one so much that when it comes time for the head to hit the pillow one is out like a light. Unfortunately, this theory is not working for me. I'm exhausted but I don't go out. Which is why I'm awake at 12:14 a.m. (Also, the half-dozen or so luxury chocolate truffles I ate around 10:30 p.m. might have something to do with it. Don't judge, they were just so delicious and they were two weeks old so I just HAD to eat them before they started to go stale.) Not that I'm complaining. When everyone is asleep is when I have time to myself. I think I understand now why my mother never seemed to sleep when I was a child. No matter what time of night, I could always count on a light coming from the living room where she was reading or writing in a journal or applying some home-made facial concoction or just sitting and staring at the tabletop, out the window, or at the walls.

***

Not that I don't like to sleep. I did try, unsuccessfully, to read myself to sleep tonight. The book was Humboldt's Gift by Saul Bellow, which I borrowed from the library the other day. I got to page 29 before my attention wandered. My attention span has become alarmingly short. I blame maternity leave and the 22-minute episodes of "The Office." While being home with the baby, I watched all of the first five seasons, whenever I was nursing or trying to get her to sleep, and since then absolutely nothing can hold my attention longer than 22 minutes. That situation better improve fast when I get back to work. Although it would be amusing to submit legal bills where everything is for 0.4 hours worth of work because that was the maximum amount of time I could focus.

***

See, I can't even focus on this anymore. Goodbye.