I have the same ghosts!

I TOLD you goblins are real. Borrowers, too. There's no other way to explain the disappearance of all my household sundries.

Diaper Defender

I cannot believe I just spent 22 minutes writing a review of diapers. Yes, this is what my life has come to. For those of you who care, which is exactly zero, which is also equal to the number of persons who read this blog, which allows me to write whatever I want with complete impunity, Pampers "upgraded" their Cruisers diapers with "Dry-Max Technology." This has caused literally hundreds of hysterical parents to write negative reviews essentially claiming that Pampers has sold its soul to the devil and replaced a previously perfect product with a problematic diaper that causes rashes and leaks and gives their children STDs. Okay, that last part was a lie. Anyway, when I went to order another jumbo box of these diapers from my favorite online retailer who guarantees FREE next-day delivery (very important when you are down to ten or so diapers and you KNOW you're going to be too lazy to make it over to Target), I felt compelled to defend my choice of diaper. So for the first time in my life, I actually wrote a product review. FOR A DIAPER. GODDAMMIT.  

Sleeplessness

I got married.
I moved.
I moved again.
I had a baby.

***

People told me having a baby cures insomnia. The theory is that caring for a baby exhausts one so much that when it comes time for the head to hit the pillow one is out like a light. Unfortunately, this theory is not working for me. I'm exhausted but I don't go out. Which is why I'm awake at 12:14 a.m. (Also, the half-dozen or so luxury chocolate truffles I ate around 10:30 p.m. might have something to do with it. Don't judge, they were just so delicious and they were two weeks old so I just HAD to eat them before they started to go stale.) Not that I'm complaining. When everyone is asleep is when I have time to myself. I think I understand now why my mother never seemed to sleep when I was a child. No matter what time of night, I could always count on a light coming from the living room where she was reading or writing in a journal or applying some home-made facial concoction or just sitting and staring at the tabletop, out the window, or at the walls.

***

Not that I don't like to sleep. I did try, unsuccessfully, to read myself to sleep tonight. The book was Humboldt's Gift by Saul Bellow, which I borrowed from the library the other day. I got to page 29 before my attention wandered. My attention span has become alarmingly short. I blame maternity leave and the 22-minute episodes of "The Office." While being home with the baby, I watched all of the first five seasons, whenever I was nursing or trying to get her to sleep, and since then absolutely nothing can hold my attention longer than 22 minutes. That situation better improve fast when I get back to work. Although it would be amusing to submit legal bills where everything is for 0.4 hours worth of work because that was the maximum amount of time I could focus.

***

See, I can't even focus on this anymore. Goodbye.

Top 30 Singles of 2007

Rule: It had to be released as a single, not just a song on an album released this year.

1. Umbrella - Rihanna
2. Last Night - P. Diddy
3. The Way I Are - Timbaland
4. Say It Right - Nelly Furtado
5. Apologize - Timbaland feat. OneRepublic
6. Summer Love - Justin Timberlake
7. Give It to Me - Timbaland
8. Lost Without U - Robin Thicke
9. I Don't Wanna Be in Love (Dance Floor Anthem) - Good Charlotte
10. Let It Go - Keysha Cole
11. Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
12. Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna
13. Good Life - Kanye West
14. Glamorous - Fergie
15. Now That You Got It - Gwen Stefani
16. Grace Kelly - Mika
17. Tell Me - P. Diddy
18. I'm Like a Lawyer … - Fall Out Boy
19. Crank That (Soulja Boy) - Soulja Boy
20. 4 in the Morning - Gwen Stefani
21. See You Again - Miley Cyrus
22. Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias
23. Thnks fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy
24. IceBox - Omarion
25. Teenagers - My Chemical Romance
26. You - Lloyd feat. Lil Wayne
27. Wake Up Call - Maroon 5
28. I Wanna Love You - Akon
29. Calabria - Enur
30. This Is Why I'm Hot - Mims

The Man

Geez. Listening to Johnny Cash seriously makes me want to go kill myself. He's SO DEPRESSING. Except for his cover of Personal Jesus. That's pretty fucking sweet. It may even be better than Depeche Mode's original. It fits in with his depressing style. Not that you could really describe Depeche Mode as being on a lark.

Anyway. I have to go eat a package of Oreos while tears stream black mascara streaks silently down my face and then fall asleep in a pile of crumbs now. Bye.

Two Short Stories

The first story. Flight.

The year was 1951. North Korean Communist forces were marching, marching. All the citizens of Pyongyang who were not communist sympathizers were fleeing for Seoul. My grandmother was 28 at the time, and her husband, my grandfather, was fighting in the war with the South Korean forces. She had three children. A daughter, whom I've never met. My father, who was five. And another baby, who died.

My father didn't want to walk to Seoul. He was only five. He stopped on the road and threw a temper tantrum and refused to move. My grandmother couldn't carry him because in one arm she held the baby, and with the other she was balancing a large and heavy jug of water on her head. So my aunt, the one I've never met, hoisted my father onto her back, and carried him for seven hours. She was only eight.

My aunt became exhausted. She had to put my father down. But even after being carried for seven hours, my father still refused to walk. My grandmother pleaded, cajoled, commanded, begged, and then gave up. She told him that he could stay there by himself, but that she was going off with the others to be with his father. My father didn't budge. She and the other two children continued down the road. They walked almost a mile before my father caught up with them, his face smeared with dirty tears.

The second story. Rice.

The North Korean army had crossed the 38th parallel, and Seoul was in danger. So the family had to flee Seoul, too. Conditions were terrible. They hadn't eaten in days. Everyone herded into overcrowded and dirty trains to leave the city for Busan. My grandmother had no food to give her children. Some of the people on the trains were eating rice wrapped in seaweed, but no one offered to share.

The train stopped to refuel. My grandmother got off the train to see if she could find some food for her children. She saw some people eating white rice and pickled cabbage. She asked them to spare just a morsel for her children. They refused. She saw a man with red bean dumplings. She asked him for a bite for her children. He said no. And so it went. So she gave up. She walked back towards the train. She cried, and she hung her head down. And then she saw a smushed rice roll in the dirt. Someone had stepped on it. It was disgusting. But she picked it up and cleaned it off as best as she could. She gave half to my father and half to his sister. My father looked at it, ate it silently, and didn't ask for food again for three more days.

Covers

"Wonderwall," covered by Ryan Adams. Quite possibly the gayest thing in the whole wide world. Really. It makes me cringe just knowing that I have it in my Itunes, but I won't take it out since a friend who shall remain nameless gave it to me. A friend, by the way, who told me he is taking my blog out of his bookmarks, and that he is never going to read my blog again, since yesterday's entry was so halfhearted. So I might as well shamelessly abuse him here! He will be named, after all! BEN! You gave me "Wonderwall" covered by Ryan Adams! And you sincerely thought I would like it! What is WRONG with you!

"Over the Rainbow", covered by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Pretty gay but in an awesome way. I think I like it because of the Rice Krispies commercial. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The commercial, I mean, not the song.

* * *

So, despite the fact that I'm like, working now, and no longer a student, I'm still poor as a dormouse. (Damn those student loans. And what kind of animal IS a dormouse, anyway? Is it a mouse or is it something else? It could be. Animal names are often misleading. For example, did you know that a wolverine is NOT, in fact, a small species of wolf, but is a large species of the weasel family? It's true.) I'm poor, and I love shopping. But I have no money. So do you know what I've been reduced to these days? I go on my favorite sites, and I spend about an hour shopping and loading up my cart. Then when I'm done, instead of clicking "Checkout" and stretching my bank account or credit cards again, I just breathe deep... close my eyes... open them again... and close the window. *Poof!*

Shut up. I know it's a stupid activity but it's no worse than watching TV or playing spider solitaire for an hour. And just a little pathetic.